You may have noticed my absence.....

I have an excuse a good one AND I have so much to blog about, things going on, missed Meatless Mondays, girls nights, chocolate nights, countless photos taken for 'the blog'... where do I start????

Last Monday I had surgery, pretty major surgery. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to blog about it but what the hell all my friends that read my blog know anyways... I had a hysterectomy. During another minor procedure they noticed a pre-cancerous mass on my uterus so with that and a multitude of other problems the end result lead to this! Now I wasn't upset that I wouldn't be able to have kids at all, I know I am done in that area so not upset about that. The hardest part for me?

1.) Panic attacks pre surgery - yes the stress of thinking what if I don't wake up? Or any of the things that happen on Greys, ER, Private Practice that are high drama and lead to death happen to me?? (note to self - less TV in the medical drama department). The last minor procedure I had a endured a major panic attack falling asleep and then waking up... That feeling of not thinking you can breath, of not being able to control yourself... Horrible!

2.) Recovery - 8 weeks of work.... I am going to loose my mind. Not to mention 8 weeks off without being able to clean my house?? (happens when I am bored, anxious, stressed, angry, having a fight with the hubby) I would clean my house everyday if I could but for 8 weeks I have to sit with the mess compiling around me while my hubby (bless his heart) tries to get a grip of going to work PLUS all the things I usually do... cook, clean (?), take care of kids, dogs etc. etc. etc. I was told that I had to let go of the reins of control and let him do it... as I wouldn't be ale to and am not allowed to..... Then there is the being in pain, not knowing what to expect as I have never had any surgery before....

Notice the theme? The CONTROL theme?? I am OCD, anal retentive, a control freak, always in charge... motto's in life?? no one does it as well as I can do it, might as well do it myself if I want it done properly, I don't need help I can do everything myself... Do you see where I am coming from? It makes me have a panic attack just thinking of it. And it's not that the kids wouldn't be well taken care of with their father it's just that... HE WON'T DO IT MY WAY! Yes people, he has his own way of doing things (imagine.. who knew??), his own ideas for what is good to make for supper, and how he should clean the house (or not), of how often the kids take a tub and they need to change their clothes!

3.) The scary 'C' word. I mean cancer....

The actual surgery was not too bad. I did have a minor panic attack going to sleep but they had the good sense to sedate me an hour or two before heading to the OR. I was wheeled into the OR, spoke to the doctor, confirmed with the anesthetist again that there was no way in hell he was sticking a needle in my spine (yes the morphine drip would be fine thank you) and asleep I go... I have no recollection of anything until Tuesday morning! I had apparently spoken to people on the phone that night... I vaguely remember hubby leaving to get a hotel room but nothing else... Scary. Scary because who knows what I told people!! LOL

Tuesday a whole different ball game. You have to get up and walk like 6 times... (thank god for the morphine drip). But I was home by Thursday somewhat upright, walking - minus my morphine but feeling pretty good considering everything that had just happened the 3 days prior. And definitely ready to be home! That was the longest time I have ever been away from the kids so it was tough. Of course the first day back Mason hops into bed with me and jumps on my stomach (ouch)!!!

I am truly blessed though. I have amazing friends and an amazing husband! Sean was so good in the hospital. He was initially going to leave Tuesday morning, poor guy has work piling up, guys working for him and I was fine with that. I think I said something along the lines of "I don't need you sat next to me staring at me in a hospital bed for 4 days"... Tuesday morning rolled around and without saying "I NEED YOU"... he knew! He got me out of bed, brought me a daily Starbucks, fluffed my pillows, kept my spirits up... Wednesday morning in the midst of my first post surgery emotional breakdown he helped me get up and shower and get my own clothes on and again made me feel much better just being there.

My friend (& godmother to Caleb) Yahaira flew in from Calgary to help take care of the kids while we were gone. Think of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City. She did an amazing job packing lunches, getting Caleb on the bus, taking care of two kids full time - she was exhausted by Thursday. But I wasn't stressed the whole time I was in Sudbury... I knew she would be fine. We have an amazing small group of friends that are like family to us that rally together and help out in times of need. I will say it again that I am blessed and so lucky to have the support from all of you. Thank you.

So yeah back to the control issue.... There are piles of dishes in my sink, laundry that needs to be done and floors that need to be cleaned. I haven't touched them. (aren't you proud of me?) Partly because I can't.... I am still SO SORE... and keep forgetting to breathe so get light headed easily. And also because if I do touch them hubby gets pissed off beyond belief at me. (so cute) He has been getting the kids up and dressed and out of the door (so hard for me to lay in bed and not yell instructions downstairs as so how to pack Caleb's lunch, or what to make for breakfast, or let him know the time because the bus is coming soon....) Insert sigh.... maybe this will be good for me in more than one way.....